Day 2 - Every Step Counts
After days of being consumed by fear, anxiety, and immense stress, today felt like I came up for a bit of air. Some part of me was looking out for future me when I planned to host my closest girlfriends for brunch a week or two ago. I didn’t realize how badly I needed it.
I typically love my solo time and thoroughly enjoy my own company, and yet being in the state I’ve been in for the past few days, solitude presented space that only added insult to injury. I noticed myself dipping into the darker parts of myself in a way that was all-consuming. I spiraled and found it hard to climb out. Social media became a scrolling addiction and fatigue washed over me in unfamiliar ways. Sometimes it’s laughable to have all the tools that I do, and yet sometimes descending into the depths of one’s unknown and choosing to surrender is actually what is needed most. I’m not sure I could say I fully accepted what was so, but I did all I could by going on gentle walks, getting sunshine on my face, eating nourishing meals, napping as much as my body asked, and breathing deep into my belly. Meeting my pace with slowness to the best of my ability. Choosing to take care of myself feels like a massive accomplishment sometimes, especially when I’m in despair. Every step counts, at least that’s what I’ve focused on.
Upon waking up one of my girlfriends asked if she could stay the night with her 6-month-old. It had been snowing all morning and she had an appointment the next day in town. Having been so in my own immensity for a few days, I felt nervous to say yes but wanted to spend time with her and baby. As soon as I actually woke up, I was flooded with anxiety. Did I have space to host? I don’t want to be a burden. What if I don’t have the energy to be around people? All the thoughts came surging in.
I got on a call with my sister and shared my swirling concerns. Her first question was, “have you shared this with her?” Not yet. I’d barely been awake when I’d said yes. Of course, that was the vulnerable next step. I began to type out the depths of my inner world, what was going on, where I was at, and what I could offer that was in my bandwidth transparently. I shared that I had been feeling some shame and judgment of myself, which had also inhibited me from letting others in more proactively. With the most generous, loving arms, she received me and my message so beautifully.
In full transparency, one of the places that I go when I’m under-resourced and down is I tend to hide. I shut out the world and tend to hold my pain close to my chest. There’s a part of me that can be so cruel and judgmental of my own experience, and I often find myself diminishing the realness of my own suffering, which only furthers the pain and isolation I feel. As a self-aware being, I watch myself fall headfirst into the darkness and it can feel extremely challenging to find a way out. I know some part of me seems to relish in this sticky place. I get that I’m choosing the suffering and yet no amount of logic does it for me. I just get to be in it.
What I was reminded of today is how important it is for me to reveal my tender places, to let others in, to be with those who love me deeply, and to be around babies who are pure in their joy and innocence. Everyone has their particular color of darkness, pain, and suffering, and it can be so hard for parts of me to remember that I’m not alone.
As I share tonight, I’m reminded of all I do have to be so fucking grateful for. My tender heart is steeped in love and nourished by quality time. Each vulnerable share oriented me away from my overwhelm and invited me to see beyond the walls of my isolation. It’s moments like these that help me rewire those not-so-supportive thought patterns and rewrite the narratives I can sometimes tell myself.
Every step counts.
