Communication in Real Time: A Play-by-Play of a Challenging Conversation
Below is my experience of navigating a challenging conversation with a friend that exposed the tensions of opposing needs, expectations, and human complexity. It is my objective and subjective experience. I have done my best to separate the pain I felt in service of learning from a very human experience. Tonality is removed from the post as it sways away from neutrality. I have used italics to make a meta-commentary. I have bolded important steps to having challenging conversations.
“Just take a look how you’re showing up as a friend”
I sucked in as much air as possible and swallowed my need to be understood. In the past, I would have immediately lashed out from my hurt. I would have said something sharp and painful, creating more damage in already sensitive territory. I wasn’t interested in generating more hurt than was already apparent.
My intention was to communicate my needs and do my best to honor and own what was true for me. To the best of your ability, it is helpful to know your intention, needs, and commitment before entering a challenging conversation, especially if you feel nervous. These touchstones can be incredibly powerful for the overall conversation. My need was to take care of my mental health and not attend this person’s special event. Not at all what I had anticipated nor had my mind wanted. I had actually fought my body for a few weeks and kept my struggle close to my chest. I’d tried to dance around what was true for me by attempting to find a solution that would abandon my knowing, but appease the situation. But, if there’s anything I know at this point in my life, it’s that my body is wildly intelligent and holds wisdom that extends far beyond my mind’s immediate perception.
And, I realize that my choices have impact.
Despite how difficult it was to share what I was about to say, my choice had finally settled from chaos and anxiety to calm clarity. Over the phone, I shared that I had something I wanted to talk about. This is Step 1 of having a hard conversation, ask if the person is open to a conversation. The person already knew exactly what I was going to say so I asked if there was any impact they wanted to share. Providing space and being open to impact is a generous thing to do if you’re going to share something that you know might be hard to hear. It allows the receiving party to be heard and to move through tension or misunderstanding.
I could feel the thickness of the air and kept breathing deeply attempting to soothe my nervous system. Breathing deeply helps your nervous system regulate and tells your body that you are safe.
“Not anything that you wouldn’t already know” Assumptions block connection and prohibit deeper understanding.
I shared a bit about why I’d come to the choice but quickly realized there wasn’t room for that. Attune to the person and what they are sharing. Be aware of body language, tonality, and how you feel in your body. So instead I listened to what they did have to say and said nothing. I could feel the bubbling of feeling misunderstood as all the stories were placed upon me.
Only caring about myself…
Not being a good friend…
Inconsiderate, selfish, expectations…
I asked if there was more that wanted to be shared and just kept listening. Before going into your response, ask if there is more if you have space for it. If not, reflect what you’ve heard them say.
I didn’t reflect what I heard as there was more and I reached my capacity after receiving more. Honoring your bandwidth enables you to show up for the conversation. If I was to do this differently, I would have slowed down and reflected before asking if there was more.
There wasn’t space or curiosity from this person, and I felt how much hurt was present as it came directly at me. The conversation ended quickly after.
No curiosity. Lots of stories. Hurt and pain. Misunderstanding.
I realize that interpersonal dynamics don’t always end with beautiful bows of happiness and clarity. This experience is certainly one of those for me. Sometimes your boundaries and choosing what is best for you will trigger someone. Sometimes people won’t understand. They may be wrapped up in what is most alive for them that trying to be curious about anything in service of clarity is not available.
Curiosity is a capacity that takes immense practice when you’re triggered. Amygdala hijack is a very real thing and compromises one's ability to do, say, or behave in a way that is responsive versus reactive. As I was listening, I was extremely present to the diminishing bandwidth of my threshold before reaction. Knowing your relational depths and ability to navigate sensitive territory comes with self-awareness and practice. Are you resourced for this conversation? Do you have support if you aren’t? Do you know how to regulate and take care of yourself if you lose your cool? Do you know your triggers?
I felt deeply misunderstood and one of my core wounds is when people feel that I don’t care because I care deeply and passionately.
I also recognized how much hurt was woven into this situation. In the beginning, I wanted to do whatever I could to not hurt this person by trying to think my way out of the situation and abandon my needs. Ultimately, that’s not my responsibility nor can I prevent people from being hurt in every single situation. Yes to care, no to caretaking. Caretaking doesn’t allow the person to grow and take care of themselves. I’ve learned this one countless times.
Being human is complex. We will have differences. We will misunderstand each other. We are always doing our best from what we know.
Responding versus reacting is a massive capacity that is cultivated through nervous system training, breath, and practice. Choosing safe situations to practice communicating, listening, and holding space for trigger is beneficial. If you’re just starting to practice communicating your needs or having challenging conversations, get support. Practice with people who can hold space to listen to you as you work through your words. I wouldn’t recommend diving headfirst into high-stakes conversations. Clear containers, like Authentic Connection, are a great place to practice communication tools.
The next step to this specific situation is whether I follow up or not. I currently have not and am processing what matters most to me in this situation right now. Currently, my priority is to take care of my mental health and myself. This privilege is not always an option for some. If there is immediacy or necessity to clear conflict then I suggest getting support and a neutral party involved. If there is no immediate need, give yourself space from the dynamic to get clear on what is yours to own, where you could have done things differently, and how you’d like to move forward. Time and space are important factors to include.
I hope my experience of this conversation is valuable to your endeavors as a human. Knowing how to navigate conversations like this continues to be one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given to myself. My desire for you is to be able to take something away from this article that serves yourself and those in your life.
