Day 6 - Remembering My Fire
Qigong, a book signing with Pixie Lighthorse, nourishing friend time, cleaning house, painful lessons…
Today was a mixed bag.
I revved my engine a few too many times this evening getting worked up and emotional about various things that I currently don’t have the power to control. It’s likely I’ll start my moon tomorrow. Like clockwork, I usually have a meltdown 24 hours before I bleed. At this moment I don’t feel the fire that I felt was lit under my ass earlier today, but I know when the dust settles my candle will still be glowing brightly.
What sparked something deep inside today?
Through the recent cloudy moments of my experience, I have found myself doubting myself and caught up in a ton of judgment. The critic has been loud and my nervous system has felt stretched. I’m beginning to realize that there was more impact than I initially thought after my experiences in December. While listening to Pixie Lighthorse, I felt this rush of energy wake me up when she was talking about navigating relationships. If you’ve ever read her books, you’ll know that they speak of honoring, boundaries, prayers, and finding connection to something greater than oneself. Her writing is powerful and profound and puts you right into the heart of the matter. I discovered her in April last year and have used her books like Oracle Decks, always turning to a page that feels like balm to my soul or suffering. Anyways, she started speaking about how important it is to not just do “the work” with yourself, or rather “your sacred tasks” as she kept correcting herself, but that the devotion to growth matters most in our relationships. We need each other. We have to learn how to work together, listen to each other, respect one another, to coexist in a powerful and nourishing way. There I was front row comfortably posted up on a couch having a wake the fuck up moment. It felt like I was being shaken from my clouded state. “Etch a sketch’d” if you will. I’ve been so in my own stuff recently that in all honestly, I’ve been making what I am so honored to offer this world out to be not that big of a deal. When you’re someone who is here to get a Ph.D. in self-worth (hello, Undefined Heart), it’s a learning process to keep growing and remembering that just being me and doing what I love most in the world is enough.
Of all the things that today brought, the remembering of my fire feels like a monumental one. I’ve certainly been feeling a bit dim inside with the trials and tribulations recently. I know that everyone is being dealt their own hand of chaos and uncertainty and that we are all doing the best we can with the tools and skills we have. My hope is to keep being gentle with myself and to nurture this flame with devotion. It feels like the most important thing I must focus on right now. Something that my dear friend said today is, “it is selfish not to take care of yourself”. There tends to be much dialogue around not wanting to appear selfish so instead, self-abandon, pour from an empty cup and prioritize someone else’s needs first, but if your cup is empty and you’re actively not filling it, you’re doing a massive disservice to everyone involved. In these extra tender states, the reminder to show up in devotion for my fire is exactly what I needed today.
What lights you up? What burns brightly within you? Is there a flame that needs tending?
